Drove me to the brink of suicide

Tara McFadden admits in part that she drove me to the point where I was going to kill myself; of course she avoids all blame in it and only focuses on the part where I was going to kill her too.

I’ve been blind to my own abuse for 36 years – I know it seems crazy to not even recognize you are abused, but until you experience how a narcissist abuses you then you simply cannot understand how it works. Every single paper out there simply states that to an outsider the victim of abuse is made to look like the abuser to the outside world – and because they are unaware of the abuse behind closed doors and their inability to understand how this complicated abuse process works – it is very hard if not impossible to change their mind to it or recognize who the abused person actually is.

I’m sickened by those that can watch video of her admitting to doing these things to me, and still call me the abuser.

Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Effects, & Treatments (choosingtherapy.com)

Those unfamiliar with NPD and narcissistic abuse typically find it incomprehensible. This is because the narcissist’s lack of a moral compass is difficult to imagine without direct experience with it and because people with NPD generally work to present a picture of normalcy or even an ideal “perfect” life to outsiders. Even most therapists are unschooled in NPD and its damage to those who live with narcissists, which nearly invariably leads to C-PTSD and a host of other lasting emotional and health effects.

How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers – (narcissistfamilyfiles.com)

How do you tell friends and family about the emotional abuse from the narcissist when they don’t see that behavior in them at all. In fact, they have a very different view of the abusive person to the point where they may actually feel sorry for them and think you’re the crazy one [abuser].

The narcissist under the hood – The difficulty of explaining emotional abuse to friends and family – Love and Abuse – Manipulation and Emotional Abuse Guide to Difficult Relationships

I’ve told parts of this story before, but some need to hear it again. 2 Years into our marriage Tara McFadden began to abuse me. She had and admits to 27 affairs on me while we were married – yes that is abuse (see Narcissistic infidelity Why Narcissists Have Affairs And Cheat On Their Spouses (mentalhealthcenter.com))

Around this same time she began to degrade me about sex; performance, ‘knowing what I’m doing”, unable to please her “Just finish and get off so I can get what I need in the shower” she even bragged to anyone that would listen that the only way she had an orgasm involved a bathtub faucet. Yes, this is emotional abuse.

She didn’t start the physical abuse until Scripture Street.

A Narcissist will NEVER admit guilt, or take responsibility. When she tells the story above, she ignores her hand it in – you can even see in msg 2 where she tries to deflect from it by asking what the comment was.

If I were a narcissist I would not say what I’m about to say.
We were watching the movie What Dreams May Come – if you have not seen it – after a long and arduous trip into hell itself, Christy finds Anne the love of his life, locked in her own version of personal hell from killing herself. He was told from the start that if he found her, there was no way to save her because she is beyond anyone’s reach. He can’t and is faced with that fact but instead of giving up he decides to join her in hell, as his love for her is so deep he refuses to give up.

The texts above outline the basics. It skips the fact that we were both drinking at the time.

I can only vaguely remember the level of despair I was at in my life then. I remember in pieces how I felt shattered at that point in my life, just nothing really left of me. I know that the only reason she shut up and stopped abusing me that night was because she realized that she had broken the last of me and subconsciously at least I was not going to go alone if I was going to go.

I really think that if it was not a direct threat to her, like it was, then she would have pushed my buttons to the point that I would have killed myself; and then she would have laughed just like this.

Remember a Narcissist would never admit the whole truth – like this – but I’m the Narcissist (according to her, and her enablers).

It is strange to look into your own memories and have a “fog” fall away and see something for the “first time” (per-se. I’ve known it is there but it was blocked by some process that I honestly don’t fully understand). When the “fog” drops away it is a rush of emotions and memories that is really hard to deal with. They have been blocked away from me for so long that its hard to deal with it.

I’m honestly sitting here still trying to deal with the fact that I was really that close to killing myself, and yes her too when she provoked me further on it. Trying to process this is time consuming and exhausting. I find that often times I can’t sleep until I do process it, and then when I do I sleep for hours.

When I think about this circumstance: promoting me to kill myself.
When I think about her planning to murder me, in all these different ways.
Then I think about what she said about ‘getting that house that Jeff lives in.”
I’m convinced that her sociopathic nature with this willingness to kill someone, a complete lack of empathy makes her very dangerous.