Definitions
This page quantifies some of the definitions needed to understand a Narcissist; as they apply to Tara. Needless to say this list is not exhaustive, definitive, or comprehensive. In fact some of these terms are debatable depending on who you ask. I will try and keep them in alphabetical order:
ASPD / Anti-Social Personality Disorder / Sociopath / Psychopath
Lots of big words, and you think you know what they mean. All of these terms overlap and there is no real clear distinction between them all.
ASPD / Anti-Social Personality Disorder: Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to purposely make others angry or upset and manipulate or treat others harshly or with cruel indifference. They lack remorse or do not regret their behavior.
Sociopath / Psychopath: Sociopath is a term people use, often arbitrarily, to describe someone who is apparently without conscience, hateful, or hate-worthy. The term psychopath is used to convey a sociopath who is simply more dangerous, like a mass murderer. (See Murder Plot 1 and Murder Plot 2 – where Tara McFadden planned to murder me)
NPD / Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex personality disorder often detected with other affective and personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. (Here and Here and Here)
Narcissistic Enabler / Flying Monkey
Enablers are those who support and protect unhealthy people in ways that make it easier for that person to continue their destructive habits. The term has frequently been used to describe those who help sustain another person’s addiction, and is closely linked to codependency and poor boundaries. Narcissistic enablers protect a narcissist from experiencing some of the consequences of their own actions, but they sometimes also attack others who the narcissist feels threatened by.
Unlike other enablers, some narcissistic enablers adopt the narcissist’s abusive tactics to defend them including gaslighting, coercion, triangulation and projection. This is why some narcissistic enablers are also referred to as ‘flying monkeys,’ which is a nod to the flying monkeys used to do the Wicked Witch’s bidding in the famous movie The Wizard of Oz. Not all enablers are like this but those who are can be almost as toxic as the narcissists they’re defending. (Here and Here )
Mirroring
Narcissist use “mirroring” to form a bond with you and get you to lower your guard and defenses. You like Rap they suddenly like Rap, or are interested in it and like it suddenly. You wear country clothes; they wear country clothes. You like a 72 Chevell and that is their dream car, even though last week it was the Mustang with the other guy / gal.
This is a manipulation tactic to start the bond with you and they will follow it up with the next part.
Idealization Phase
This phase only happens once in the relationship; with Tara and I it lasted about 2 years, with other men she tried to leave me for it was much shorter, weeks or months.
It is in this portion of the cycle where she establishes the hook for the Trauma Bond (that will follow in the devaluation stage) – its easy to call this phase “the honeymoon phase” and it is latched onto by the victim, and becomes the “carrot on the stick’ for later abuse cycles. Later in the relationship the victim will want to have this person (part of the relationship) back, and the abuser will promise this, but never deliver. This is, in part, the “shared fantasy” that is formed, if you ever ‘got’ the carrot again you could escape her control and that is why the relationship will never be the same as it was before, and she will use love bombing to pull you back in if you try to escape.
- Love-bombing
- Giving a lot of attention given to the partner
- Grandiose gestures
- Elaborate gifts and dates
- Discussing marriage early on
- Lack of boundaries
- Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
- Quickly moving into intimacy
- A sense of ownership of the partner and relationship
Love Bombing / Seduction phase
Narcissists use sex as a tool, they have no real sense of romance or emotions. When I was with Tara during this phase she would have sex with me anywhere and everywhere, in every position etc. They will go back to this phase if you try to get away from them later in the relationship. At the first though is when it is the most intense. They don’t stop with just sex though, they will give you cards, gifts, lots of attention and grand romantic gestures too.
Devaluation
The devaluation phase is next. This can vary and normally starts off with small things, but grow larger as the relationship goes on (as the Trauma Bond is stronger). This will include dismissive actions, words, gestures, emotional and verbally abusive acts.
The first ones I remember from Tara was about sex. Before we would both perform oral sex on each other, which allowed me to ‘get ready again’ while I performed on her. She stopped doing that so now my first time was short and had to ramp up again. She also said that she no longer liked how I performed oral sex on her and that I should just know how to do it; instead of telling me what she wanted. It was common for her to tell me later in the relationship that I just needed to do whatever and get off her and if she wanted to orgasm she would do it in the shower. In fact she bragged about that a lot to others, in front of me even. Near the end of the relationship I would still offer, and she stated that her heart problems wouldn’t allow her to have an orgasm; just get it over-with.
They intermix this with statements like “if you would try harder” etc. to keep you on the hook.
- Attempting to change their partner
- Increasing criticism and insults
- Narcissistic gaslighting
- Physical threats
- Poor or lack of communication
- Increased violation of boundaries
- Narcissistic triangulation
- Increased control over their partner
- Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy
Tara did everyone of these, and I have video’s posted of her admitting to most of them (because she was in the rejection phase)
Discard / Rejection phase
There are a lot of factors that will start this phase: boredom, not enough attention from the victim (they require constant attention), etc. See list below.
A Narcissist NEVER leaves you until they have a replacement for you. I have Tara on video and in text messages admitting she didn’t have anywhere to go, so did the things around here that she was supposed to only because she had not secured my replacement, she tried with Jose a couple of years bafck and failed; this of course stopped when she found her new victim and she moved to the discard phase. Of course she is also on video and text admitting to betraying the relationship, emotional withholding, playing the victim, claiming that all her mental problems were caused by me and I’m to blame for the toxic environment etc.
- Feelings of contempt and rage
- Betraying the relationship
- Invalidating their partner’s emotions
- Placing the blame on their partner
- Playing the victim
- Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
- Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse
Dual Mothership Model
This information requires its own page, please find it here.
Dissociative Amnesia – from abuse
It is very common for those with C-PTSD from long term narcissistic abuse to have this form of amnesia. When the abuse gets bad it is the minds way of surviving the abuse. I personally was never told about it and I suddenly had memories return and they felt unreal – I mean I knew they were real and that happened, but I didn’t understand it. It was explained to me that the mind goes into self protect mode and it “pigeon-holes” the memory, it does not go away and it has significant effects as subconscious thoughts (which help enforce the trauma bond). The memories remain there until you feel “safe” enough to deal with them.
Reemergence of memories usually means that there was some form of trauma, abuse, neglect or emotional hurt that was experienced years ago, but was repressed because you were not in a safe or stable enough place to heal it.
Why does this happen? Because you’re safe enough now. There’s a younger part of self that is inside that holds the experiences it’s gone through. When that part notices that you’re in a stable place in your life, or for the first time you’re in a place of safety, these memories come knocking – wanting to be heard, processed and resolved.
The emotions of anger, sadness, confusion, heartache, terror, loneliness, helplessness or fear come out- metaphorically, asking you to sit with them, and let them be heard, and expressed, in the presence of your current life.
These emotions have been waiting patiently on the side while you were getting stronger, and as you gained coping skills to navigate the world in a whole new way.
Repeat after me, “I am not going crazy.” This is how your mind, body and nervous system are processing old fragments of memory. It can be incredibly uncomfortable, fear-inducing and even confusing, but none of those mean that you’re going “nuts”. These seemingly new emotions are actually a healthy and normal part of trauma recovery.
You’re not sliding backwards; you’re actually ready to do a deeper level of healing, so brace yourself instead of hitting the panic button.
Emerging Trauma Memories? + 4 Coping Tips! — Integrative Psychotherapy Mental Health Blog