What is a Narcissist

Please note that this is how I understand this type of person as it relates to Tara McFadden. There are “cardinal” points and other grey area things about these kinds of people, so there is no cookie cutter template that can be used.

Don’t forget, we are all Narcissists to some degree, it is required for us to exist. It is when these things become destructive of ourselves, others, or our relationships (romantic, friends, and work) that we have a problem.

Malignant Narcissist:

A malignant Narcissist is someone who will abuse others, through many different means to achieve some goal. Generally they all follow a similar pattern.

Mirroring: “The Chameleon” – A narcissist will begin to mirror those around them. Act like them, like the same music, cars, clothes, view on politics, etc. This is the first part of the manipulation to create a false sense of connection with others; this can be toward an intended victim or to form their enabler groups.

The Bait: “Carrot on a stick” – Once they have this connection formed they then probe you to find out what you want most in the world; in most cases for relationship purposes they already know, love, companionship, etc. (so this makes that form of manipulation easy for them). They then mirror that want, need and desire with you to form “the illusion.” And they convince you that you can have that with them.

Love Bombing: “Overt Sex” – This is where the sexual manipulation starts, great sex, everywhere, all the time, etc. Cards, letters poems, talking about you, “the bait,” your time together, etc. It is at this time that they also dig out all your secrets, that will be used against you in the next phases (fear of spiders, abandonment, the IRS, or whatever).

Devaluing: “you are not good enough” – This is where the abuse cycle starts, it is intended to get you to conform to their views and lower your standards, guard, etc. This can take many forms: “My ex husband used to do that” – “If you were only bigger” – “if you just lasted longer” – as you can see this can become a very long list. Once you conform to their views, “the illusion starts.”

The Illusion: Narcissists live inside a self-created illusion of the world and how they see it, it is at this stage that you are pulled into this slowly, if it is too fast you see through it and run. The older they are the more practiced they become and just like the slow boiled frog…

The Cycle: It is at this point that they start the abuse reward cycle to break down your defenses and keep you off-balance. It is normally at this point that they begin to have affairs on you, spend your money, get you to buy them things, etc. “If only you put my name on your house I would really show you a good time in bed.”

The Discard: At no point in all of this will they provide you with “The Bait” because they don’t have it to give you, and, if they ever do give it to you they will lose their power over you. Since they know this they will be searching for their next victim and gauging your ability to wake up from this illusion.
If they can’t find a new victim, normally one of your close friends; they will then go back to their previous victim – called a recycle.

How did they get here:

Understanding how a narcissist is ‘created’ is tough, and this applies to Tara McFadden only.

The Broken Child: At some point back in her childhood, she will never tell you a date, she was abused by her father. Her brother claims this was not as abusive as she makes it out to be, but that is not what is important because it was traumatic to her.
It was at this point in her emotional development that she was broken, and this is where she remains – unable to evolve or grow up. Mother was not there to comfort her, or whatever so that triggered a need fulfilment that was not met.

A Replacement Mother: As they grow older they are in search of their replacement mother (the victim). Through the steps above they hook you and then hold you up as their savior – “self-victimization” – they need you to rescue them, save them, help them, they are lost without you, etc.

Objectification: Now begins a cycle of objectifying you. She will first praise you, and then devalue you: in part because she does not know how to make the normal emotional connections that we all have and use, so she rejects what is foreign to her (actual love).

The Victim: Now she takes on the role of “the victim” either of your abuse, real or imagined, or some other person that has abused her. This accomplishes two things. 1) Need fulfillment: you will now try to comfort her, thereby making her special (that mom never did) and 2) She forms a trauma bond with you at this point, to ensure you will not “abandon the child in the burning building” IE: break the contract and leave her.

Colonization: It is at this point that she actually forces you to mirror her. Because you won’t abandon her now, she convinces you that you need to take on some of her qualities. The purpose behind this is Ego. Your Ego protects you, and once you form this trauma bond with her, it now protects you both – including this illusionary world you’ve just created together.
This is the key to the Trauma Bond, it is at this stage you will actually defend your own abuse. There are actual chemicals produced in your brain, similar to heroin, that enforces this bond.

Alter-Ego: Believe it or not, at this point you create a new personality. This personality will mirror them, their wants, desires, needs, etc. Once this new personality is established, your old one is hidden and you can’t break free from the cycle without outside help. (I know this personally. It is impossible to do it). This is where the “Flying Monkeys” come from (Enablers). They are, to a lesser extent, as manipulated as their victim and they cannot break free. You may learn about the role of an enabler here:

Most likely if you are here to read about this woman, you may suspect you are an enabler or in at least buying into her fantasy