There is no roadmap to dealing with long term abuse of this nature, everyone has to deal with it in their own way. I warn everyone that joins my friends list that my personal page is a total dumpster fire. It’s my space for personal expression, and right now that is purging 36 years of the most toxic abuse I can think of. Since waking up to what that woman done to me I couldn’t even eat for a few days. Hard to imagine not even being able to eat isn’t it; this is what this kind of abuse does to you. Your sense of self is destroyed, and the longer it goes on the worse it gets – I really think if I had not ‘kicked her out’ in 2015 so we lived together separately then I would be dead right now.
I stay in close contact with my therapist and my Dr about this. The therapist has not said a lot on it, as my Dr has told me as long as I’m trash-canning it; that means to vent, express, and then throw it away – then I’m doing fine. Somewhere on my page here, buried deep, is the video that talks about doing this. I write, I do videos, and then go back and watch them myself; reflection. I know, it makes no sense to you – I get it, you don’t understand and I know you can’t understand either. But again, it’s not about you understanding it’s about me purging it, getting it out, being done with it so I can try to fix the problems that are buried deep down under it all. I don’t know any way to “make it positive” I’ve tried, it just makes it feel worse.
I’ve noticed a shift over the last week, maybe two, that I’m moving away from the toxic part. The therapist has me working on my ID / EGO / SEGO right now, and that is what I’m (we) are trying to get to. About half way through working on the gaslighting texts to her sister I gave up. It dawned on me that she won’t stop it will just get deeper and that I should follow the advise I gave her sister. Just walk away, there is no fix on this, she has to admit to the base of her problem, she can’t do that, and so there is no cure and no way to reach her. /shrug.
In any case my purge seems to be dropping off, while there are still flashes of things she has done they are not associated with vile thoughts and physical reactions too. Note that I am not saying I’m done, there maybe more (in fact I would be surprised if there was not more), but it feels spent. Only time will tell on that part of it.
In any case don’t come to my page, or this site, and expect butterflies, rainbows and unicorns…