At the time you were very wrong, I loved you for all that I was worth – but I didn’t realize what you were. I think you knew when I found out that I would hate you then. You were right, I did for a while, for the damage you have caused me. My testing right now shows that you all but destroyed my personality. My core values have returned and remain strong though, so I will recover from you.
I had to purge and ensure that you would never return. I ensured you would never return by going scorched earth, you bet, just like you told your sister. I even exposed every lie you told in those text messages, when you said something completely different in others – Pure Narcissism –
It felt good to expose you.
You will never accept it, you never have – to you it all happened because you were ‘abused’ by your standard; which means I didn’t completely comply with your demands. I didn’t go vegan. I didn’t accept a sexless marriage. I didn’t accept a hoarder house; cats, clothes, etc. Those were abusive things by your standard, Yeah, I’ve learned that. Just like Katrinika abused you by not agreeing to everything you said. Just like your own brother abused you by calling out your bullshit on all the abuse from your dad. I get it now, I understand because you are delusional you thought it was this way or that – and that is why you can’t be fixed.
I knew you would ignore it, your core enablers will ignore it – that is how brainwashing works. Not all of them have, but in any case, I don’t care.
I told you in 2015 never again, you ignored me and had an affair with Jose (or tried to, you still whined to your friends when he dumped you – sex or not. Matthew 5:27 – adultery begins in the mind / heart, before it ever gets to the loins. The debate about actual sex still rages, but there is no difference in reality; you tried, you admitted you tried to your friends and ex friends. That some of these ‘conservative’ types that cry when their spouses did it to them, to now hear they justify you doing it is a true example of how fucked up the friends you surround yourself is.) — just another brick in the wall.
I tried their self help therapy to not hate you, it failed miserably.
I tried the guided meditation, it failed miserably.
My Dr told me there is no set or standard for complex PTSD; a result of years of abuse and I’m ashamed I never realized what you were doing to me – all of that in the name of love that you never felt or returned. The doctor said that sometimes you just have to scream, to rant, to vent, to purge when there is just so much of it that you can’t find a ‘healthy’ way to disgorge it – so that is what I’ve done.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system I can repair the damage you’ve done. You made sure to keep me ‘unmarketable’ for this day; that is okay I need that time to heal so I don’t make another mistake like you. I won’t. I’ve got friends now that have survived from people like you, and they are supportive; some just by being there.
In any case I guess you had to pull “a Brian” and keep repeating that lie to justify what you were doing, did, was going to do. Whatever it takes to get you through it, and shake that water off your back /shrug. A lot have seen that it was not the truth at all, you lied to justify it, and then got mad when I said enough was enough. That surprise when you realized that this was not a bluff made it worth it; I know you thought you had a few months to wear me down further. You were wrong.
This website will keep exposing you for long after I’ve moved on from ya. At least there is a chance your next victim will do an online search and find out for themselves who and what you are.
But to say I hated you, and had hated you for years is not true.
“Stages of victimization, anger and abuse”
1) Realizing you were abused, the stage of waking up to it. Most react with shock and their world view is destroyed, either in stages or all at once.
2) Anger – anger is the motivating factor to remove yourself from the abuse, it is needed by the victim to facilitate them leaving the abusive relationship and in most cases will express this anger to enforce their own decisions to remove themselves from the abuse.
3) Letting it go. While philosophically it would be ideal to just let it go and move on, that is not the truth and not something we see in victims. At least almost never. The victim will internalize the anger, blame themselves for it and then be stuck in a loop they cannot escape from. These people will become chronically angry and torture themselves, or their new partners if they attempt to form new relationships: Rumination.
3a) “Living well is the best revenge” is normally only possible for short term abusive relationships, where the bond is not so deep that it is easier to let go.
3b) “Purging” is common in long term relationships where deeper bonds, longer periods of abuse occurred. There are two base forms, constructive and destructive purging. Constructive purging are things like Journaling where you express your thoughts, emotions and memories and move on. Destructive is when you won’t let go of the memory after you’ve expressed it.
So there – I’m done with that. I burned every bridge between us. I’ve filed every charge I can, I still have a couple more things to do along those lines, but I have to wait to do them /shrug.
I’ve made sure you won’t even try to come back.
I’m okay with everything I’ve done, some took some therapy to work through – but I did.
While I may still express toxic memories of you here, most of what follows now is rebuilding myself. I’ve said it 10K times and will say it another 10K times – if I live the rest of my life alone it would be better than 10 more minutes with you in it; I only wish I saw that back when you first had an affair on me, but there is nothing I can do about that but ensure you, or another like you, doesn’t do that again. And that thought, fear, is the only kernel of hate I still cling to, and won’t let go of.