Dual Mothership / Shared Fantasy – Model

Please note that the information here is NOT intended to replace what these people have done, but to direct you to it; while giving examples of how a narcissist looks through a 3rd eye (and how they act in private). I strongly recommend these types of cameras to document them, and please also remember while you are involved in the ‘argument’ with a narcissist you are being emotionally manipulated and don’t do what you are supposed to do; these videos helped me recognize this and develop better coping strategies with her (over the last week or so, that she was here).

This is a MASSIVELY complex understanding of the human mind, in this case one that is broken. This information is taken directly from: https://psychopathsinlife.com/why-do-narcissists-do-idealize-devalue-discard/ — Also note: I am paying for and taking Richard Grannon’s course “Unplug from the Matrix of Narcissistic Abuse. His video on how this works is HERE Check out the superb video below by Grannon which neatly summarizes the main parts of the theory (this will give you THE answer in terms of psychoanalytic theory, why the narcissist behaves like this).– and it maybe easier for you to understand than reading.

Don’t think this is not a very complex thing, if you are not a shrink this is way beyond most people to understand, but, if you are dealing with a narcissist you simply MUST understand this stuff. In order for me to heal I have to understand it, and if you are a person associated with Tara Lee McFadden you need to understand it or she will draw you into this fantasy world and manipulate you; this (as this model predicts) makes you vulnerable to other people manipulating you.

I will not quote the whole thing, but this is the basics of how a Narcissist works mentally.

1. The narcissist was never allowed to individuate in childhood – all the rest of the stuff follows from this. (grow up emotionally)
2. In an effort to get out of this trap, the narcissist seeks to fuse with a target psychologically. This is the idealize phase of the cycle, with all the intense love-bombing, flattery, mirroring, seduction, etc.
3. This is where the Dual Mothership thesis from Sam Vaknin comes in – they seek to become your mother, and to make you their mother symbolically.
4. The reason they do this is they are desperately trying to individuate and fix their broken sense of self. To this end, after fusing with you, they must then reject and abandon you (push you away) to symbolically separate and individuate from you (now their symbolic mother).
5. This is where the nasty stuff in the devalue/discard stages comes from – after the fusing, they’re pushing you away in a desperate attempt to complete the individuation steps never accomplished in childhood. In Grannon’s words, their approach is “you enter my reality, so I can leave“ Naturally, this attempt to individuate NEVER WORKS, which is why they chew through relationship after relationship, repeating the same I-D-D cycle, to try and accomplish this process, causing damage to many people in the process. It’s a mal-adaptive and dysfunctional attempt to individuate.
6. For the victim, the only way around this is to break the shared fantasy and re-individuate from scratch – difficult but not impossible. Breaking off with them and going no contact is only the very start of the process.

Narcissists As Developmentally Arrested Individuals

This is pretty common knowledge in the psychological literature on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They are known to be emotionally and developmentally arrested, with their growth usually having stopped around the age of 4 in terms of mental/emotional maturity and individuation.
(Many of Tara’s friends have found this out the hard way. It also aids her in her “victimization” “the child” lure of the unbreakable contract (later))

Why Do Narcissists Idealize? (Fusion)

Therefore, in order to attempt to complete the individuation steps not completed in childhood, the narcissist first seeks to FUSE psychologically and emotionally with their target.

Now do you see where all the things in the idealize phase come from? It’s basically just an attempt to fuse the two of you together as completely as possible.

Why Do Narcissists Devalue-Discard? (Separation)

Once narcissists have fully merged and fused with their victims psychologically, this now explains why they can suddenly and abruptly devalue and discard them. Now they have symbolically fused with you, they need to push you away to (in their minds) complete the separation-individuation steps never completed in childhood.

Devalue:

• Once fused/merged, the narcissist then unconsciously seeks to devalue you, to see themselves as above and superior to you, to reject you as the “bad other”, as the symbolic mother that wouldn’t let them individuate in their own childhood.
• Hence the toxic behavior in the devalue stage – abuse, insults, silent treatment, triangulation, cheating, gas-lighting, projection, etc. They’re unconsciously pushing you away to complete this process.

Discard:

• This completes the process in their minds, as symbolically the separation is completed in the way it wasn’t in childhood.
• Once you’re fused, they then need to leave to “individuate” symbolically.
• However, this process actually NEVER works in allowing the narcissist to truly individuate, hence why they repeat the same process over and over again with different people. It may make them feel better in a very fleeting way, but never solves the problem of their arrested development and failure to develop a healthy sense of self.

Why Do Narcissists Also Sometimes Hoover?

This process by the narcissist is mostly unconscious, and anyone who’s dealt with these people knows they have little or no capacity for self reflection or self awareness. So they’re almost never doing this consciously – it’s coming from an unconscious desperation to individuate.

Because the narcissist’s flawed attempts to individuate are largely unconscious, they’re not aware of it, and will therefore sometimes try to “hoover” ex partners in to rekindle, to try and repeat the same process all over again.

The Dual Mothership Thesis

The Dual Mothership thesis put forward by Sam Vaknin is one cornerstone of this process – where symbolically, the narcissist seeks to become your mother, and make you their mother symbolically. Whether you or them are male or female is irrelevant; this dynamic is still going on.

The key thing to realize for people caught up in this process is that it’s never about you; it’s always only ever about the narcissist and their desperate attempts to individuate and grow up. You’re simply being used as a prop or instrument to this end, as painful as this sounds and as “real” as the intensity of the idealize phase may feel to you. Unfortunately, it purely a simulated process by the narcissist, and it’s largely unconscious even to them as well.

• Colonization – Because the narcissist often makes this fusing so intense and all encompassing, you’ll find your mind is colonized by the narcissist during, but also even after, the relationship. You act and think as them, even after they’re gone. Requires specialized work in therapy to undo.
• Guilt – The “you becoming their mother” side of the equation also leads to feelings of guilt after the toxic relationship, which can confusing, since they were the ones abusing you (why do we feel the guilt?). The reason for this is precisely because you’ve symbolically become their mother – after the breakup, you feel the same guilt as a mother would abandoning their child.
• Anxiety – The “them becoming your mother” side of the equation will also lead to a more obvious separation anxiety on your side after the relationship ends, and you feel symbolically as though you’ve been abandoned by your own mother.

The Shared Fantasy Thesis

This is another aspect of a relationship with a narcissist that is formed during the idealize phase and can “stay stuck” inside you long after the relationship with them has ended, and can be difficult to remove until you become aware of it.

It’s important to fully de-construct this shared fantasy you have about the narcissist after the relationship, or it remains another aspect of them that remains inside you even long after they’re gone, and can contaminate future relationships if left unaddressed.

References:

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1990-97064-012

https://www.academia.edu/43633315/From_Grooming_to_Discard_via_Shared_Fantasy