On advise of the Dr I took some time off from journaling, posting, etc.
That has helped me some.
I also had to do a bunch of paperwork for the Mental Health evaluation, deposition / affidavit; also getting the Slander suit together, lot of work.
Other than that however I have not dwelt on it (her) and that has helped me get rid of the block I was dealing with.
I realized lately why I had so much depression and anger. I set up this property for us both, and banked on that – only to find out she was all the time just using me like she has all my life. Narcissists can’t help it so they say, but I don’t care, I don’t forgive her for that.
I was looking at the pool the other day and realized that this was this ones last year, it has a pretty good leak in the bottom somewhere and the liner is wearing through as well. She used to use the pool with me a lot until I called her out on breaking something of mine. I use the net floats, they are $22 at walmart, and I found them for about the same price on Amazon. This last summer (I think it was this summer?) she was using my float and (I have her on video doing this) instead of trying to move the float normally she put her feet on the other end of it and pushed to “scoot up” on the float. Needless to say that ripped the netting and destroyed the float. She cried that she couldn’t find one at the dollar store (you see she would buy the dollar store floats that would melt after a couple of hours in the sun (why she was using mine)). Then she cried her ass off that the float cost $22 dollars. Then she said something else and I reminded her that I didn’t ask her to pay for any of the chemicals for the pool, or to help me clean it almost daily, etc. (Chemicals for a pool are not cheap). I just expected her to replace my float because she tore it up, and that was too much for her (narcissist can’t take responsibility for anything they do).
She quit using the pool after that – and told others that I wouldn’t let her use it because she wouldn’t pay for the chemicals. Total bullshit lie, but that is a narcissist and their gaslighting.
She gaslighted the neighbors and told them I would not let her run her AC in her RV. Another big lie. I told her she had to pay the excess electric to run it (she only paid about 1/6th of the bills here to start with), we even had plans to put in a better AC system – but – she found her new victim that would take care of her, so she pulled her Narc bullshit.
I changed up our “movie night” thing to try and keep us more active together and with others. We made plans to do the movie evening with a couple from down the road, popcorn, snacks, and some movie that would make us all laugh or whatever. I told her when it started, and after waiting 20 minutes (or more? Tara could never be on time, it is a narcissistic trait). We just started the movie. When there was about 15 minutes left of that movie she shows up at last. I pause the movie and try to make a place for her to sit, but she sees everyone eating popcorn out of the same big serving dish, makes some lame excuse and leaves.
She would not use silverware because even thought it was washed it had been in someone’s mouth. She would not eat the popcorn for the same reason, someone else may have touched it. She never even thinks about the thousands of hands that touched her food before she ever got it, or the bag it is in, etc..
This is something else that was a pet peeve. She made way more money than I did and only paid about 1/6th of the bills here. She cried at one point that if she had to pay 1/2 then she wanted 1/2 of the farm income, I told her No Problem, so you have to get out here and work just like I do, all day every day keeping this place up. Of course, she couldn’t because she was “working” cleaning all those houses every day (you think she didn’t rabbit-hole that money and play broke) …
In any case, back to the point – I set this place up for us, where we could both live out our days and enjoy what we could. This big sitting area out on my porch to chill and watch movies, the pool, the residual income from the rentals, etc. And since she had no control over it, a narcissist can’t stand that, she didn’t care a bit and did no more than she needed to stay here until she could find another sucker.
That of course was my mistake, I cared about her enough to set things up this way.
I’m not greedy, it was not ‘all about me’ (the way she makes things, I see now). I didn’t mind sharing and doing things for us both.
To get out of this funk I need to set this up for me, the way I want things to be, because she is no longer a part or consideration. If her replacement likes things as they are great, I don’t mind changing a little or sharing, but no more putting forward for others more than myself.
Oh, and get that second rental done – my neighbor said he would help me, no charge, for all that I do and have done for them.