Its been explained to me about “Traumatic Abuse Amnesia” or “dissociative amnesia” from trauma and its relation to PTSD. But to experience it is a whole different can of worms.
Since my mind now feels “safe” away from her, so she can’t abuse me again / more, these memories of things she has done to me are coming back, yesterday was a cascade of them, just hundreds of things she has done to me, some are far too graphic to post about, some are just far too embarrassing.
Reemergence of memories usually means that there was some form of trauma, abuse, neglect or emotional hurt that was experienced years ago, but was repressed because you were not in a safe or stable enough place to heal it.
Why does this happen? Because you’re safe enough now. There’s a younger part of self that is inside that holds the experiences it’s gone through. When that part notices that you’re in a stable place in your life, or for the first time you’re in a place of safety, these memories come knocking – wanting to be heard, processed and resolved.
The emotions of anger, sadness, confusion, heartache, terror, loneliness, helplessness or fear come out- metaphorically, asking you to sit with them, and let them be heard, and expressed, in the presence of your current life.
These emotions have been waiting patiently on the side while you were getting stronger, and as you gained coping skills to navigate the world in a whole new way.
Repeat after me, “I am not going crazy.” This is how your mind, body and nervous system are processing old fragments of memory. It can be incredibly uncomfortable, fear-inducing and even confusing, but none of those mean that you’re going “nuts”. These seemingly new emotions are actually a healthy and normal part of trauma recovery.
You’re not sliding backwards; you’re actually ready to do a deeper level of healing, so brace yourself instead of hitting the panic button.
Emerging Trauma Memories? + 4 Coping Tips! — Integrative Psychotherapy Mental Health Blog
While I was shooting pool and chilling after dinner Sunday night I had a cascade of memory unlocks, and remembered I don’t know how much stuff. Thousands of nasty things she said to me about my sexual performance, I can’t even remember all of them, they are a jumble.
I remember now why we stopped sleeping together. We both snored, its a natural human thing, but she would hit me in the back and hit me in the face a few times claiming it was an accident, she would intentionally wake me up and tell me to stop (on work nights for sure). I remember one time she hit me in the mouth so hard that I had trouble eating for a week. One of her ex GF’s told me that she did it on purpose because I pissed her off snoring.
I remember the callous explanation of why she slept with Joel Davis for a concert ticket. “Its not like I had an affair, I’ve slept with him before [we were married], and it just happened.” Not one fuck given for our marriage vows, and she told her sister she did it because she knows I was doing it and she knew I was doing it because she was. Circular logic, gaslighting. No big surprise though if you think about it, she openly admitted she only had sex with me over the last few years so I could pay her bills while she tried to find someone else to take care of her. That is a pure narcissist.
I remember a time on Scripture Street, when I was trying to be intimate with her and she told me “Just stick it in and get it over with, I have things to do tomorrow!” I tried to ‘warm her up’ and she said “Would you just stop, you don’t know what you are doing, either get this over with or [something]” – so, I entered her and felt her muscles push and she farted on me (and yes it was on purpose) – just as sick as you can get; degrading – and that is a narcissist for you.
Just after we moved to Krum, we were being intimate for the first time in years (I don’t mean just sex) and as I entered her she screamed “Why the fuck do you always have to stick your dick in me” and left. Yeah, so much for her stories about us making a fresh new start – I knew then what I knew last July – its over, its only a matter of time. I only wish I could have acted on it.
I remember the looks on her face; she is not very good at hiding that sometimes. Pure disgust, pure hate, resentment, loathing that “she got stuck with me” because no one else would put up with her shit.
I think as we get older, as adults, people see through those things more now as we’ve experienced them. She may find someone dumb enough to ignore it, it happens, but I bet she will end up in bad places /shrug.
I remember one of her recycle stories now, where this guy I used to know got invited to her place for dinner, and he raped her. He said there was no rape, and to be honest now, knowing how she lies all the time, no police report, no rape report, anything. Yeah, it was a sob story for that recycle is all it was.
It almost seems callious to ignore her story until you look at her in reality, she is a pathological liar and to be honest about it she lies so much I’m with my cousin on this; I don’t think she even knows how to tell the truth.