Talked with my therapist today and we ‘think’ that the huge trove of memories to return was my brain reaching closure. I’m safely away from her, I’ve done more than enough to ensure she will never even think about recycling me again (though I don’t have some small doubt on that). But I couldn’t close off those memories without all of them being in place. They resurfaced and was a shock, some of the things she did to me, and I didn’t remember a single one of them, but they just as quicky faded back into the normal order of things. I can remember them now, but they are not prominent. And with moving away from her further, mentally, they are nothing more than a lesson now.
I seem to remember feeling this way about her a few times when we were separated; finally free of her, but back then I was always stupid enough to let her worm her way back in with me somehow. The guy that supposedly raped her. The one that pooped in front of her. I think one was when I had found a hot little Italian girl and was getting serious, hell I don’t remember – and that is not a bad thing.
The therapist and I are both being cautious about this, as there can be setbacks. But I’m willing to bet they will be minor if there are any at all. This should mean that a major part of my “healing” is done – and I hate calling it healing, because you can’t heal from this, you learn to cope with the damage they’ve caused you and protect yourself from it happening again.
That is the next step now, learning to protect myself from this happening again. The Dr said I sound highly empathetic, and I told them right now I don’t want to lose this again; its been gone from me for so long because of her – I want to learn to leave it be but protect myself. They warned me that being this way could lead to another issue like the old one, but IMHO its worth the risk.
Time will tell