When this all started there was concern over my emotional maturity and balance. It is looking like I’ve regained balance, my open nature and have grown up that last little bit that was stunted while I was with her.
I’ve seriously looked for healing and have been very honest not only with myself but my professional help too. I learned early on that holding things back makes this harder, and, can hide problems that you may need to take care of. Having repressed my emotions to protect myself from her for so long, it feels REALLY good to be expressive again.
So…. Took, or actually, retook the emotional maturity tests again today; and did them honestly all the way through and the results were better than last time – and that is one worry off my mind.
The 2nd one, more than the first, picked up on my empathic side some /shrug.
Knowing that my emotional maturity is there, in fact with therapy I may have grown a bit – and my emotional expression returned, gives me confidence that I can pull through this and in the end be better for it.
I think now I can say with some certainty that I’ve gotten my closure. I’m not going to say I’m neutral about her, I don’t know that I will ever be that. But I can say that I’m no longer “attached” to her.
Before I would always worry about her, I don’t worry anymore at all. When we were together, she made it clear she would do whatever she wanted anyway, but now it no longer matters to me what it is or the eventual bad outcome that will happen. Maybe she will get lucky and that won’t happen, but I don’t put any faith in that statement; I know her far too well (at a base level).
In any case I no longer feel “that” when I think about her in some ‘circumstance’ that she will find herself in. I believe that I will feel no differently than if it happened to anyone else.
The only time I’ve felt ‘hate’ towards her is when she pulled that shit about my mother, then I was able to hate her; not that I don’t feel hostile towards her, that I do have – and I fully believe in punishment that goes with it.
In any case her fate it her own now. I’m in no way attached to her anymore. And I’ve made a lot of progress for myself since this started.